


Limerence

by pixiechenle



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28054725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiechenle/pseuds/pixiechenle
Summary: Chenle is numb, the high of his relationship has faded. Resorting to drugs, and Mark, he attempts to feel again.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Zhong Chen Le
Kudos: 21





	Limerence

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DRUG USE, VERBAL ABUSE (not too harsh), IMPLIED ROUGH SEXUAL CONTENT. eh thats about it.

Chenle huffs out a breath, the cold turning the breath white in the air. 

”Say something”, Jisung grits through his teeth, demanding an answer. Chenle doesn’t answer, just throws his head back and stares at the star-ridden sky. They sit on a park bench next to the sea. If it wasn’t for the circumstances it’d be a beautiful night. ”You never give me fucking answers”, Jisung continues, irritation rising.

He has experienced this before. When he started falling out of love the first time. But this feels worse. He wanted to at least keep the younger boy's innocence encased a little longer, not corrupting it so early. It’s been seven months with Jisung. Seven months of serene moments, early mornings, late nights and entangled limbs.

”And you always choose the powder or pills or whatever the fuck you indulge in”, Jisung spits. He stands up from the bench, tears flowing down his cheeks and legs shaking. ”It’s over”, he drags out the o and leaves Chenle alone.

Seven months. That’s been Chenle’s longest relationship so far out of five others. He sighs and bounces his legs. The anxiety creeps onto him, slowly but steadily.

There’s a small plastic bag, zipped and sealed shut in the inner pocket of his big jacket. He considers it. And he chooses it again, as Jisung said. 

The high comes in an instant after Chenle swallows the light blue pill. His pupils dilate and the relaxation in his body settles. He lets his arms slide to his sides and he closes his eyes, seeing stars. 

Maybe he should stay like this for a while. A long while, ignoring the existence of the heartbreak that seemed to cause Jisung harm. Chenle doesn’t want to think of the fact that he doesn’t seem to feel anything besides the high. 

The phone rings in his jean pockets. His movements feel slow and he picks up without looking at the screen.

”Blondie?” The voice asks. 

”M-Mark?” Chenle stutters out.

”Where you at?” Mark instantly wonders, tone slightly worried.

”At the place you know”, he answers, failing to hide his sluddering. 

”Send your location through messages, I’ll pick you up”, Mark says, a little agitated and hangs up. Chenle contemplates it but after a few seconds does as he was told.

The sound of water splashing against the cemented gantry is soothing. Chenle closes his eyes again, imagines that he’s floating in water. He can almost feel the nudges of saltwater against his fingertips. 

Someone walks by, it crackles on the ground. Chenle listens to their voices but it sounds distorted, not like the water. 

Every thing around him fades away and blurs out.

-

He can’t remember much of the past night and feels a headache latching onto him. The bedsheets stick onto his skin like a virus, desperately he shakes them off and sits up in panic. 

It’s Mark’s apartment. He can tell by the drawer and neatly cleaned room. In the distance behind the closed door someone rattles in the kitchen, it must be Mark. 

Minutes pass while Chenle gathers up confidence to go out. 

Mark just stares at him with dark brown eyes. Shame and guilt fills up Chenle’s stomach. He gulps. The older takes a few steps towards Chenle.

”I’m sor-”

A slap, right across his face. Chenle rubs the stinging spot with his hand. 

”Don’t be so fucking stupid, you keep doing this. I was sure you had overdosed”, Mark’s words screech against Chenle’s ears. ”I wasn’t even sure if you were going to wake up this morning either”, he continues.

”I’m sorry”, Chenle mumbles through tears flowing down his puffy cheeks. 

Silence.

Mark doesn’t treat him like Jisung did. Mark is Chenle’s best friend. It’s never been soft-spoken words and gentle caresses with Mark but rather harsh meanings and slaps when it got rough. But Chenle guesses that’s what he deserves, he knows he isn’t a good person. 

”Don’t do it again”, Mark says with a stern face but Chenle catches a few tears climbing down his eyes. 

”I won’t”, Chenle mumbles and Mark catches him in an embrace. 

”Sorry for hitting you, blondie”, Mark whispers gently and plants a kiss on Chenle’s forehead, right below where his blond boxdyed bangs messily stick to his skin as the covers did earlier. ”M’ just so fucking worried”, Mark finishes.

”It’s okay”, Chenle answers, still shaken. Secretly he hates Mark when he’s soft like this, it doesn’t suit the older. He wants Mark to be rough, to spite him because Chenle deserves it. His mother used to say that Chenle wasn’t a good person, because drug-users aren’t sane. Chenle knows it, he leaves those who don’t gain him anything behind and breaks hearts, constantly on the search for the next serotonin boost. 

He hates himself. 

”You’re just so fucking stupid”, Mark lets go of the embrace but still holding onto Chenle’s shoulders with his hands. ”I wish you could understand how worried I am”.

”Jisung broke up with me”, Chenle blurts out. ”Yesterday”.

Silence, again. Mark’s hands drop to Chenle’s, intertwining them. He’s tanner than Chenle and a few birthmarks paint the skin on his arms. 

”Guess it’s just you and me, as usual, then”, Mark says, fondly.

”Yeah”, Chenle murmurs. He really wishes Mark to be rough, treat him badly again. This feels uncomfortable for him, almost eerily unlike Mark.

”Lay with me?” Mark asks, sweet and manipulative. 

Chenle knows it isn’t alright. He knows that every single thing Mark does is wrong but he loves it. Chenle loves being taken advantage of, loves being used, makes him feel something again besides numbness.

-

Mark shoves his middle finger and ring finger down Chenle’s mouth. Chenle lays underneath him, tears bubbling up in his eyes. 

”You ar-”

”Am what?” Mark spits out, trailing his other hand across Chenle’s collarbones. Chenle looks at Mark through thick eyelashes, noticing how Mark’s eyes are hooded. He gasps when Mark drags out his digits. 

”So manipulative, I hate you”, Chenle says but no actual hate trails his high pitch. Drool runs down the sides of his mouth.

Mark groans a ”shut up” before shoving down his fingers again. Chenle lets out a moan and his cheeks instantly turn red.

”You’re disgusting”, the older one breathes. ”Will you let me take care of you?” He asks, suavely. A few black hairstrands fall infront of his face. 

Chenle nods and almost gags.

-

They lay in bed, bare chests heaving up and down. 

”Was it too hard?” Mark asks worriedly and turns his face against Chenle who’s staring at the ceiling. He seizes three grey spots next to each other against the white wood. 

”No”, Chenle shakes his head. And truthfully, it’s a lie. But Chenle likes it that way, he wants it to be on the verge of cruelty. 

”Got a pretty bad bruise there”, Mark pokes at Chenle’s sharp hipbone where a huge blue and purple bruise has formed. 

”Well you held me pretty tightly”, Chenle’s lips curve upwards and they burst out in laughter.

”I’m honestly sorry, I hope you can forgive me”, Mark smiles and ducks to kiss Chenle’s lips. The kiss deepens and their lips smack together before Chenle pulls away.

”You’re not sorry”, he mumbles and cups Mark’s face. 

”No, you got me there”, he leans down again and their lips graze. Chenle’s are swollen and sore but Mark bites his lower lip nothingless, almost drawing blood.

-

Chenle’s mother has always been reserved, even in looks. Constantly sporting a tight ponytail and snapping at any movement that bugged her even the tiniest. This caused Chenle to learn how to sneak in and out of the house at age seven. He knows exactly where it creaks.

It’s two thirty in the morning when he chooses to go through the backdoor, toe off his sneakers and carry them while padding slowly to his room. 

He passes the kitchen and ah, shit.

”You think you can get away with anything?” His mother asks when he tries to pass the living room. She sits at the leather couch. The small lamp next to her casts shadows that climb along the wall.

Chenle doesn’t know what to answer.

”You’re a disappointment”, she murmurs and stands up. The movement making the leather shriek. Chenle has to cover his ears, making him drop the shoes on the mat.

His mother stands shorter than him but she still stares up at him. Her hair is turning grey at her scalp and Chenle doesn’t dare to meet her eyes.

”Where have you been these past three days? Not at Jisung’s at least”, her voice is sharp.

”Uh…” Chenle swallows, hard. ”At Mark’s”, he finally says.

”You’re a disgrace, what would your father think?” She says, rhetorically. Chenle freezes at the mention of his father. She smirks, pleased with his reaction. 

Chenle picks up his shoes and makes his cue to leave. 

”Grounded. Four weeks”, she says after him and Chenle makes sure to keep his sigh in. Doesn’t want to pick a fight with someone he knows he’ll lose to.

He’s nineteen, he shouldn’t have rules. But at the same time he shouldn’t have spent all of his money on drugs since ninth grade. He can’t move out yet, he has to save just a little bit more money. 

Quietly he walks up the stairs, avoiding where it sounds. His room is to the left and when he opens the door he’s met with his messy room. Clothes are scattered on the floor and his bed is left unmade. 

With swift movements he undresses and throws his clothes to the floor and stands in front of the full-body mirror. Bruises stain his body, the one at his hipbone is particularly visible. He caresses it with his fingertips. Tenderly he moves his hand upwards. A few lovebites are scattered across his throat and collarbones but what catches his eye is the choking mark, big and bruised. 

Big doe eyes stare at him through the reflection. He touches his face. This doesn’t quite look like him. His face isn’t like usual. His face is too hollow.

Panicking, he can’t stand the sight of himself anymore. Rushing to the wardrobe he searches frantically for another zipped plastic bag, he finds it in the underwear drawer. There are multiple pills in it, he tears the bag open and pours the pills onto his palm. He catches a last glimpse at himself through the mirror. He’s spiraling and he knows it.

He can’t stop himself before he’s swallowed the pills. It could be a lethal dose for someone that isn’t used to the things Chenle takes usually. 

The phone gets a few notifications, Chenle takes it and opens it. But before he’s able to read the texts he slumps onto the bed, sinking into the mattress. His whole head is spinning.

With his last energy he dials Mark’s phone number, the only number he remembers without trying.

A few dials go through.

Chenle can’t hear clearly.

Maybe it was too much. Maybe he’ll die now. He isn’t sure. He hasn’t been sure of anything in his entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> chenle isn’t a morally good person, neither is mark or chenle’s mother. its just abusive on each side. sorry :( also THIS IS JUST FICTION i dont see them as bad people irl okay


End file.
